Our Terribly Toxic Friends

Do you ever watch Desperate Housewives and wonder if the ladies of Wysteria Lane would be friends if they didn't reside on the same suburban street? Have you pondered how the sometimes clashing lives of the girls on the Facts of Life matured past the college years? Debated why the Golden Girls were so strongly akin despite their brassy and boisterous ways?

If so, you are engaged in the toxic science of "why friends are attracted to friends" and why, despite their disposition, we seem to keep those toxic denizens part of our circle of friends. In my opinion, there are six toxic types of friendships that we all encounter or can all be categorized as being.

The Bubble-Busters - This friend is always there with bad news to counter any good news you might have. Getting married? He/she happens to have the average national divorce rates memorized - this friend is also known as Debbie Downer or The Wet Blanket. This friend is unnecessary in all situations, but if immediate disposal is not an option, try limiting conversations, especially where news-sharing is concerned. Keep your happy news to yourself when they're around and it will magically stay happy.

The One-Upper - This friend likes to fancy themselves well-rounded or an overachiever, but mostly lives to make others feel inferior. Mention your upcoming dinner with a high school friend, and the one-upper is having dinner with the Pope. The best thing to do with people like this is ignore them. They crave approval, expecting people to envy them, and nothing will slow their nauseating self-congratulations like ambivalence.

The Predator - Never leave a date, boss, or even new friend alone with this social life stealer. The Predator just cannot help wanting what others have and cannot be trusted with the special people in your life. Introduce her to your new man and before you know it, she's sitting a little too close. Made a new friend? Keep them apart or she'll be punching their numbers into her phone. If you have one of these bandits in your life, treat your social life like an expensive car in a bad neighborhood...locked up tight!

The Bodyguard - Whether it's a guy hitting on you, a new friendship, or even an established relationship, this friend just doesn't think you're qualified to properly judge human character. They constantly feel the need to "protect" you from bad relationships, but ironically, they are the one you need protection from. Let them know that you can pick your own friendships and relationships. While you might appreciate that they have your back, remember that they're not just blocking bad relationships...you could be missing out on a lot!

The Charity Case - This friend is always down on their luck and can't seem to catch a break. Whenever you think you can't take another second of them and you're ready to hit the road, they need another favor or shoulder to whine on and you're trapped until the incident blows over. Performing your own damage control will require fighting a little fire with fire. When they call with a favor to ask, say you're down on your luck, too. It's highly unlikely that they'll try to repay the kindness you've shown her. The Charity Case is a taker, not a giver, and will likely fade away in search of a new knight in shining armor...and you'll be off the hook.

The Train Wreck - You know you should look away, but there is something about this dramatic friend that has you hooked. They are either in legal, financial, or social trouble (drinking/drug problems, spending addictions, and abusive relationships are the most common scenarios) and it's completely, 100% their fault. People offer their help and advice everyday but they don't want to hear it. It might be hard, especially since you obviously care about this friend, but the intervention must stop. Once they fall on her ass, there will be nothing left to do but get up. That's when you can start helping again.

The Houdini - You haven't seen this friend in a little while...and the worst part is that you don't know why. You thought things were great, the bond was strong, and you were inseparable for a little while. Suddenly, they are not calling anymore and you're seeing them around with a different crowd. The problem is that you invested time and emotion in the relationship and the fair-weather friendliness has left you feeling hurt and rejected. Take comfort in this: that new best friend is going to be in your position in a few weeks and the Houdini will be sampling a new flavor. Commitment-phoebes treat people like light bulbs because they are scared of getting rejected themselves. Meanwhile, you know how to treat a friend and will have plenty of them in your lifetime...now there's something to be jealous about!